Sunday, February 06, 2005
Bill And Ted's Existentialist Adventure
So what we've got are these two whacky teenaged enlightened beings. On is William Christ, and the other one is Teddhartha Logan and their teacher, The Infinite, is NOT happy with the state of their work on their subject The Human Universe.
Things are looking pretty bad for Bill and Ted. Ted's father has told him that if he flunks out of this class, then he's going to have to off to Earth and reincarnate as a soldier. Meanwhile, Bill is having his own problems dealing with his Dad's sudden attraction to a new wife (played by Madonna) while Bill himself is having an oedipal complex to handle.
The Infinite, because he actually likes these two guys who are just interested in Cosmic Harmony and want to eventually have their own band, gives them one last chance. The final presentations are coming up. They have to get an "A" on their presentation about how various people throughout the world and history would view human enlightenment. If they can pass this presentation, they don't flunk out.
Fortunately for them, the future of the universe is VERY interested in getting them to succeed. An agent is sent back to this critical juncture in history:
Bill and Ted sit around at the local F v D (Free Will versus Determinism) convenience store lamenting their ill fated situation:
Bill: This is like, so bogus.
Ted: Yeah... Most heinous indeed.
Bill: What are we going to do, Ted?!?
Ted: I dunno. I can't handle reincarnation. That would be totally non-triumphant.
A bolt of lightning descends from the sky while Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries screams throughout the air. Bill and Ted are awestruck.
Bill: Ted?
Ted: Yeah?
Bill: Strange phenomenological things are afoot at the F v D...
The lightning eventually fades to reveal:
Friedrich Nietzsche: Greetings my excellent friends! I am Friedrich Nietzsche, Ubermensch. But you can call me Fry.
Bill & Ted: Whoa!
FN: I am here to help you with your report.
Bill: How, Fry?!?
FN: Through... THE WILL TO POWER! YOU ARE BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL AND CAN MASTER THIS WORLD!!
And with a burst of self-willed lightning to allow them to manifest whereever and whenever they desire, they take off on marvelous trek around the world complete their Enlightenment Project.
So we have such scenarios as:
Paris, 1930's:
Jean Paul Sartre sits in a left bank cafe arguing ferociously with a bunch of other pompous French dandies. Bill and Ted manifest in the midst of the cafe.
Jean: Sacre bleu!
Bill: Hey, you! Gene!
Jean: Zat is Jean... Jean, you strange manifestation of a psyche peering into the abyss of the unknown self...
Ted: Uh... Yeah! That is most excellent philosophizing you are doing! We need you for our report!
They grab onto him.
Jean: Wait... But I... Mon dieu! Tabernac! Non, non, I surrender, I surrender!
Bill & Ted: EXISTENTIAL!!
They perform Air Enlightenment, with Bill miming crucifixion and Ted doing a hover lotus as angelic choirs accompany their motions.
And so the whacky pair journey across time and space getting such other notable personalities as Gahndi, Ayn Rand, Karl Marx and Anthony Robbins, they make their final presentation. There are lights, there is music, and of course, there are the luminaries of a truly enlightened species:
Bill: And now... You may think that making a building is just putting bricks together, but we have a woman who knows that it's more than that.
Ted: Yeah, she knows that some people rock, but most people suck.
Bill: We present to you...
Bill & Ted: AYN... RAAAAAAND!!!
Ayn Rand: THE MEDIOCRE SHALL BRING DOWN THE GIFTED! ONLY THE EXCEPTIONAL ARE WORTH A DAMN AND THEY ARE IMMUNE TO CONVENTIONAL MORALITY! ALL OF YOU LISTENING TO ME NOW ARE EXCEPTIONAL! DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE! IF THEY MAKE FUN OF YOU, IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE A LOSER, BUT THEY ARE!
Crowd goes wild.
Ted: And now for a special treat...
Bill: Yeah, they say that humanity has a long way to go before the reach enlightenment.
Ted: But we say that humanity is already there. And to prove it, we have the one man that understands what enlightenment is all about.
Bill: We present to you...
Bill & Ted: Kurt.. COBAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!
Smells Like Teen Spirit starts up. Crowd goes insane. The rest of the band Nirvana appear under spotlights and Kurt jumps to the stage.
Kurt Cobain: A mosquito! My libido! YEAH!
Crowd goes up another order of magnitude in psychotic joy. Kurt Cobain jumps into crowd and surfs. The house goes down.
Yup... I'm thinking we can do something with this...
So what we've got are these two whacky teenaged enlightened beings. On is William Christ, and the other one is Teddhartha Logan and their teacher, The Infinite, is NOT happy with the state of their work on their subject The Human Universe.
Things are looking pretty bad for Bill and Ted. Ted's father has told him that if he flunks out of this class, then he's going to have to off to Earth and reincarnate as a soldier. Meanwhile, Bill is having his own problems dealing with his Dad's sudden attraction to a new wife (played by Madonna) while Bill himself is having an oedipal complex to handle.
The Infinite, because he actually likes these two guys who are just interested in Cosmic Harmony and want to eventually have their own band, gives them one last chance. The final presentations are coming up. They have to get an "A" on their presentation about how various people throughout the world and history would view human enlightenment. If they can pass this presentation, they don't flunk out.
Fortunately for them, the future of the universe is VERY interested in getting them to succeed. An agent is sent back to this critical juncture in history:
Bill and Ted sit around at the local F v D (Free Will versus Determinism) convenience store lamenting their ill fated situation:
Bill: This is like, so bogus.
Ted: Yeah... Most heinous indeed.
Bill: What are we going to do, Ted?!?
Ted: I dunno. I can't handle reincarnation. That would be totally non-triumphant.
A bolt of lightning descends from the sky while Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries screams throughout the air. Bill and Ted are awestruck.
Bill: Ted?
Ted: Yeah?
Bill: Strange phenomenological things are afoot at the F v D...
The lightning eventually fades to reveal:
Friedrich Nietzsche: Greetings my excellent friends! I am Friedrich Nietzsche, Ubermensch. But you can call me Fry.
Bill & Ted: Whoa!
FN: I am here to help you with your report.
Bill: How, Fry?!?
FN: Through... THE WILL TO POWER! YOU ARE BEYOND GOOD AND EVIL AND CAN MASTER THIS WORLD!!
And with a burst of self-willed lightning to allow them to manifest whereever and whenever they desire, they take off on marvelous trek around the world complete their Enlightenment Project.
So we have such scenarios as:
Paris, 1930's:
Jean Paul Sartre sits in a left bank cafe arguing ferociously with a bunch of other pompous French dandies. Bill and Ted manifest in the midst of the cafe.
Jean: Sacre bleu!
Bill: Hey, you! Gene!
Jean: Zat is Jean... Jean, you strange manifestation of a psyche peering into the abyss of the unknown self...
Ted: Uh... Yeah! That is most excellent philosophizing you are doing! We need you for our report!
They grab onto him.
Jean: Wait... But I... Mon dieu! Tabernac! Non, non, I surrender, I surrender!
Bill & Ted: EXISTENTIAL!!
They perform Air Enlightenment, with Bill miming crucifixion and Ted doing a hover lotus as angelic choirs accompany their motions.
And so the whacky pair journey across time and space getting such other notable personalities as Gahndi, Ayn Rand, Karl Marx and Anthony Robbins, they make their final presentation. There are lights, there is music, and of course, there are the luminaries of a truly enlightened species:
Bill: And now... You may think that making a building is just putting bricks together, but we have a woman who knows that it's more than that.
Ted: Yeah, she knows that some people rock, but most people suck.
Bill: We present to you...
Bill & Ted: AYN... RAAAAAAND!!!
Ayn Rand: THE MEDIOCRE SHALL BRING DOWN THE GIFTED! ONLY THE EXCEPTIONAL ARE WORTH A DAMN AND THEY ARE IMMUNE TO CONVENTIONAL MORALITY! ALL OF YOU LISTENING TO ME NOW ARE EXCEPTIONAL! DON'T LISTEN TO ANYONE! IF THEY MAKE FUN OF YOU, IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE A LOSER, BUT THEY ARE!
Crowd goes wild.
Ted: And now for a special treat...
Bill: Yeah, they say that humanity has a long way to go before the reach enlightenment.
Ted: But we say that humanity is already there. And to prove it, we have the one man that understands what enlightenment is all about.
Bill: We present to you...
Bill & Ted: Kurt.. COBAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!!!
Smells Like Teen Spirit starts up. Crowd goes insane. The rest of the band Nirvana appear under spotlights and Kurt jumps to the stage.
Kurt Cobain: A mosquito! My libido! YEAH!
Crowd goes up another order of magnitude in psychotic joy. Kurt Cobain jumps into crowd and surfs. The house goes down.
Yup... I'm thinking we can do something with this...
Labels: Movies, Stupid Scripts
Thursday, February 03, 2005
After Watching Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan again
I can only think of one thing to say.
It really was a hell of a thing when Spock died...
...
...
...
Okay, I'm better. Not gonna' cry again.
Although in my defense, I'd like to note that--particularly in the geek population--Star Trek II is the one of the few movies where humans of the male persuasion are given the green light to cry. There's no shame in shedding tears at Spock's heroic sacrifice. Because of all the souls I have encountered in my travels... his was the most... huma...
Okay, I'll stop now. I feel a tear coming on again.
I can only think of one thing to say.
It really was a hell of a thing when Spock died...
...
...
...
Okay, I'm better. Not gonna' cry again.
Although in my defense, I'd like to note that--particularly in the geek population--Star Trek II is the one of the few movies where humans of the male persuasion are given the green light to cry. There's no shame in shedding tears at Spock's heroic sacrifice. Because of all the souls I have encountered in my travels... his was the most... huma...
Okay, I'll stop now. I feel a tear coming on again.
Labels: Movies, Random Blargh
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