What Really Happened Between David & Goliath

The basic story of David and Goliath goes something like this:

David, the youngest of a family of eight, was a humble shepard who played songs on his harp about God, and defended his flock from vicious animals like lions and bears with his sling. The hebrews of the time were at war with the Philistines who had a 9 foot basketball player named Goliath on their side. Ol' Goliath challenged the hebrews to present one warrior in a mano a mano duel, winner take all. As it turns out, David volunteered to be the mano, and though was given the armor of the King to wear, ditched it in preference for his own clothes and a trip to the river to gather five of the smoothest stones he could find. He challenged Goliath, and, thanks to the grace of God, beaned him straight on, killing him instantly. Thus he saved the Hebrews and years later would be king.

Now here's what really happened...

Goliath, having spent the previous night on the court with some hard core B-Ball and debauchery wit' da fine ladies showed up on the appointed day with the Mother Of All Hangovers. Still slightly drunk, with a pounding headache and the reflexes of an elderly kangaroo, he stood, clutching his forward.

Goliath: (Mumbling) Come on out an'... an'...

David: Fight?

Goliath: YEAH, that's it! Ow, my head... fight like a man...

David: (Getting on knees) Oh dear God in heaven, give me the strength to fell this mighty warrior.

David stands and readies his sling.

Goliath: Whuzzat?

David: YOUR JUDGEMENT, FIEND! FACE THE WRATH OF GOD!

David unleashes his mighty sling, sending the stone off at leisurely speed. Birds fly beside it in curiousity, for a minute or so, then continue on their migration as the stone slowly makes it way to Goliath. At last it falls short of its target by a good three feet and Goliath stares down at it in wonderment.

Goliath: Is this a joke?

David: (Trembling) I AM THE SOLDIER OF THE RIGHTEOUS!

He shakes his fist threateningly and loses balance, falling over.

Goliath laughs and walks towards him. He stops to pick up the rock and continues towards David, holding it above his head.

Goliath: This was about as fun skinning a Yak...

David: I thought that wasn't fun?

Goliath: Not for the Yak.

Goliath slips on one of the loose stones underfoot, sliding into the air, and landing on his back. The shock causes a combination of latent aneurysm and a cholesterol blocked artery to erupt simultaneously.

Goliath: I don't feel so good...

He dies.

David stands up.

A joyous Hebrew spin doctor runs towards him, whooping with joy.

Spin Doctor: YOU DID IT! YOU KILLED HIM WITH A SINGLE SHOT FROM YOUR SLING!

David: (Downcast) No I didn't...

SD: Yes you did! I saw it myself!

David: He fell on his back and died, I had nothing to do with it.

SD: (Clucking tongue knowingly) Oh you whacky kids, you... Listen, Goliath is dead, right?

David: Yeah, I had nothing to do with i-...

SD: SHHH, shh... Allow me to explain so you will understand the truth of this situation. Did you not challenge Goliath to a one on one match?

David: Er... Yeah.

SD: And are you not the one that is standing while he lies dead?

David: Yeah.

SD: And did you not use a stone from your own sling, cast on your strength and a prayer alone?

David: Uh... Yeah.

SD: And did your stone not travel towards him?

David: Yeah, but it never hit him.

SD: I beg to differ, did he not pick it up?

David: Yeah.

SD: So he TOUCHED it, didn't he? He made physical contact with it. It's no lie to say the stone made physical contact with him, is it?

David: But it didn't kill him!

SD: So naive... He's a Philistine isn't he? They're not too bright are they? Don't some people say they have more smarts in their hand than they do in their head?

David: Errr... Yeeeeah...

SD: And if that's true, then could one not say that their hand could, for all practical purposes be the seat of their intellect, their "head" if you will? Which your stone touched?

David: Um...

SD: So could we not then safely agree that your stone touched his "head" as it were?

David: But it still didn't kill him, the fall did.

SD: Not true, my lad, not true at all. It was the anuerysm, embolism and imploding of several blood vessels that did him in, but it was a chain reaction you see?

David: You're losing me.

SD: It's very simple. Let's say that I am a king, I capture your family, and then I order them to die by first being stabbed painfully and then set on fire. Who would you be mad at? The fire? The steel of the blade?

David: Of course not, I'd be mad at you1

SD: Why? I didn't kill them.

David: But you gave the order! None of it would have happened if you hadn't given the order!

SD: So... You're saying the thing that starts the series of events is ultimately responsible, is that right?

David: YES!

SD: Like you hitting Goliath on the head one shot from your mighty sling graced by God?

David: YES! NO! I'm so confused...

SD: Yes, it's quite a burden being a hero. You don't worry your heroic head about it, Dave, just leave everything to me. PR, media rights, merchandising, at 30% of all take, of course...

David: What's merchandise?

SD: Nothing you have to worry about, you just let me do all the big, ugly boring thinking, it's beneath. Hero.

David: Okay, if you say so...

Labels: Random Blargh, Stupid Scripts